


Maker Only Knows

by Galindrael



Series: A Very Dragon Age Christmas [14]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, DECFANFIC, Day fourteen, F/M, bad gifts, this has nothing to do with actual gifts I just used the prompt for a punch line- I'm garbage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:10:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galindrael/pseuds/Galindrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen returns from a short training trip to find things were not as he left him- that his Inquisitor was not as he left her. And Maker help the fool who caused it.</p><p>For the #DecFanFic challenge</p><p>There are currently 22 parts to this series, the link, for some reason is broken- sorry for the issue, I'm trying to fix it (as of 1 February 2015)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maker Only Knows

“Maker’s breath, Cullen, what happened to your face?” Scáthach was in bed, the morning light now filling the room.

“A gift from Ser,” he let her touch his face, inspecting it. A black eye, busted lip and a nose bleed.

“Well that’s a pretty awful gift,” she picked up a cloth and began to wipe away the blood from his face, “You’re going to look awful at the dinner that Josie arranged with the nobles. What happened?”

Cullen sighed.

\--24 hours earlier—

This time it was Cullen’s turn to leave Skyhold. Scáthach had seen him off. Maker, bless her for getting up so early as he knows very well that she hates waking earlier than what is absolutely necessary. She had even slipped a note into his pack for him to find. And now he was returning an hour or so before sunset, 3 weeks later and with only a handful of casualties. For the most part, Cullen was in high-spirits; Low number of casualties, missions accomplished and a dozen new recruits. Cullen gave a speech in the courtyard to the new recruits and let his veterans show them to their quarters so he could leave to see Scáthach. Cullen smiled as he remembered the jeweler he found in the city they had passed by willing to re-size his mother’s ring to fit Scáthach’s smaller hands so she didn’t have to wear it around her neck. He took the back entrance to their room to avoid as many people as possible. Solas wasn’t even in his room so he was actually lucky enough to have made it into their room without anyone noticing.

Cullen opened the door and didn’t see her anywhere, “Scáthach?” He looked around once more and still didn’t see anything but he heard shifting by the fire place. He called once more, “Scáthach are you-” he could finally see her. Cullen felt like he was going to be sick. She was staring at the dying fire and surrounded by empty vials of lyrium.

“Maker, Scáthach,” he got down on the floor next to her and pushed the empty vials away from her. He pulled her to him, feeling the heat of her skin through his gloves. He took them off and threw them behind him and returned his hands to her face. She was burning up and her hair was drenched in sweat. He picked her up and placed her in the bed. Cullen poured her a cup of water and put the glass in her hands, “Drink”. She did. Cullen’s mind was racing and his heart felt like it was going to break out of his chest. He went back to the fireplace; 10 vials of empty lyrium. He picked one up and his brow furrowed. Years of handling lyrium has made Cullen extremely sensitive to how it feels when he was near it but this…this wasn’t lyrium. He went into the closet and pulled out her box, slowly. His hands were shaking, but he had to know.

 

It was already unlocked so all he had to do was open it. Cullen lifted the lid slowly. Eleven were missing. He picked one up and opened it. He smelled its contents and it smelled just like lyrium but it didn’t _feel_ like lyrium. He placed a finger over the opening and shook the bottle. He brought his finger to his mouth, shut his eyes and tasted it. It wasn’t lyrium. He was relieved for a moment. Then he realized why that didn’t make him feel any better- Scáthach was going through a withdrawal and didn’t even know it. Her lyrium had been tampered with. He opened the box again and pulled out the rack of lyrium from the box. He pulled the false bottom up and checked for the hidden seal. It wasn’t there. _Fuck._

It was his years of serving the Templar Order that let Cullen know to check for the false bottom, but poor Scáthach didn’t know any better since she never officially trained with the Order. Cullen returned to Scáthach who had laid down since he left and he got on his knees by their bed so he was level with  her face.

 

Cullen placed a hand on her cheek, “Sweetheart, can you tell me what happened?” She looked him in the face for the first time since he got back.

“I take it, but it doesn’t help. I see them, Cullen,” she closed her eyes, “I see Stroud, in the Fade. I hear him fighting as we leave him behind. I see the faces of those I’ve killed. I can’t make it go away. The lyrium doesn’t help, why doesn’t it help?” She reached out her hand to him, it was shaking severely.

“I don’t know, darling,” Cullen was trying to not let his voice shake, to stay strong for her, “When was the last time you ate something?”

“I don’t know. It’s all blurred together,” she sat up and Cullen stood up to sit on the bed next to her.

“Ok, I’m going to get us some food, love,” he stood up and she grabbed his hand.

“Don’t leave me, Cullen, you help make it go away,” Cullen’s heart broke, but he had to find out what was going on.

“I’ll be _right_ back, ok? I’m just going to get us food. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he kissed her forehead, grabbed a vial from her box and left despite not wanting to leave at all.

 

As soon as the door was shut behind him Cullen lost it. He slid down the door and put his head in his hands and just sobbed. _I wasn’t here. I could have told her what was wrong. I wasn’t here to help. I wasn’t here to protect. I wasn’t here. I have to fix this._ Cullen stood up and dried his eyes as much as he could. The first servant he found was sent to send up dinner to her. He went into Josephine’s room, ignoring his manners entirely.

“Commander,” Josephine shot up but noticed his face, “What’s wrong? Did the mission go poorly?” Cullen walked up to her desk and looked to the guard, “Leave us,” the guard bowed and as soon as the door was shut he let out a shaky breath.

“It’s Scáthach,” he looked Josephine whose brows were furrowed.

“It’s just a cold, Commander,” she laughed.

“No, it’s not,” his hands were trembling.

“What? What do you mean?” She rounded her desk and led Cullen by the arm to one of the seats.

“It’s lyrium withdrawal. She wouldn’t have known any better. None of you would. I came to see who ordered and delivered the last case she had,” Cullen hung his head and stared at his feet.

“I’m so sorry, Cullen, she said she felt ill a few days ago,” Josephine got up and began searching her records, and now her voice shook, “We figured she just needed rest. Solas even thought it was just a cold,” She kept rifling through papers and came over to him with the inventory list, “Nothing seems to be amiss”.

Cullen looked at the list- _100 boxes of lyrium, 60 for the Templars and 40 for the mages._ Cullen flipped to the latest shipment invoice and noticed that Ser had signed off on his and Scáthach’s box this month. He flipped back to previous shipments and noticed that was normal. But something wasn’t right as all other shipments were signed by their users.

“Please inform Solas that I will need a few more of his withdrawal potions for tonight, and hand him this to inspect” Cullen handed Josephine the invoice back and she took the lyrium potion in her other hand, “Have Leliana’s spies try to dig in about who has access to what and have them find me if they learn anything useful,” Cullen began to walk away, “I will be going to the Templar tower then I’ll be back to check on Scáthach”. Cullen didn’t wait for her to answer.

 

Cullen walked as quickly as he could to the tower without causing a scene. He opened the door a bit loudly, and made a recruit jump. “I need one of the lyrium boxes from the store room,” he said out loud unsure of which was the Templar in charge of the stores. A young man came around the corner, “I’m sorry, Commander, but only the Inquisitor can access the extra crates in the store room, strict orders”.

Cullen turned to the recruit, who was maybe 20, and walked to him, closing the distance, “It’s _for_ the Inquisitor, recruit”.

“But her supply has already been delivered,” the recruit said meekly.

“I _don’t_ care. Get a box,” Cullen took another step, “Now”.

One of Cullen’s veterans came down the stairs, “Get the Commander a box, boy,” he barked.

“But,” Cullen cut him off this time.

“ _Get me a fucking box or I will get one myself,_ ” Cullen was right in front of the recruit and watched the blood drain from his face.

“Yes, Ser Cullen,” he fumbled with the keys and went into the back and brought Cullen a box. _I’ll apologize later_. Without another word he left.

 

Cassandra was just coming into the tower when she saw Cullen carrying one of the tell-tale boxes. _Fuck, now?_ Cassandra ran up to him.

“What are you doing,” she was blocking him access to the stairs.

“It’s not for me, calm yourself,” Cullen tried to walk around her.

“Where are you taking that,” she stepped in front of him again.

“I am taking it to Scáthach,” he tried once more to get around Cassandra, who again blocked his exit.

“I saw her taking her box into her room, _Commander_ ,” Cassandra sternly replied. _I know she means well, but this is not the damn time._

“Cassandra, move. I do not have time for this,” Cullen now used the box to nudge her.

“Tell me what is going on. What is troubling,” Cassandra was now obviously annoyed.

He cut her off and shouted, he didn’t mean to but it had happened, “Will you please let me do my _fucking_ job?!”  Cullen winced at himself but he was determined to get back to Scáthach as quick as possible.

Cassandra visibly recoiled but let him pass finally.

 

Cullen made his way back to the room. Scáthach was at the table now nibbling on bread. Cullen sat down the box on the desk and opened it. He removed the racks of lyrium and checked under it for the seal, it was there. He placed the lyrium back in the box and grabbed a vial. He sat down next to Scáthach who looked physically ill when she noticed the vial, like a child who can’t look at sweets after they gorged themselves on cake.

“I need you to take this,” Cullen said in a soft voice, she shook her head.

“I’ve already taken so many, “ she sighed, “It made me feel worse” she pushed his hand away.

“Please, darling, try one more for me,” Cullen placed it in her hand this time and when she grabbed it he took off the top.

Scáthach looked incredibly nauseous, but she downed the vial nonetheless.

“That,” she was smacking her lips, “That feels different,” she handed Cullen the empty vial. _That’s because that was actually lyrium._

Cullen smiled and picked up the plate from the table, “Eat some more, then head to bed for some rest, ok?” She nodded and Cullen took off downstairs and headed to Solas’ room. “Commander!” he heard one eager voice, a young noble woman’s. He walked right by and shut the door behind him loudly, which made Solas jump.

 

“Can you not do that, thank you,” Solas was mixing the potion together.

“Sorry, just wanted to see if you had any insight yet,” Cullen walked to Solas’ workbench.

 

Solas looked up, a bit confused, “It’s very well made. A Templar or mage would have had to do it, to know what it smells and tastes like, but I have no idea how they actually did it. I’m also curious how they made it glow,” he handed Cullen a flask, “See the fake lyrium in your hand,” Solas picked up another flask, “and the real lyrium in mine don’t react the same when near magic,” Solas let the vial in his hand get cold and the liquid inside his began to freeze but when he did the same to Cullen’s flask, only the glass got cold, the liquid stayed a liquid.

Solas grabbed the flasks from Cullen and set them down. He reached into his pocket and handed the Commander a half-dozen vials of his withdrawal potion, “ She needs to take lyrium once a day and one of those at night for a few days. I don’t know how long that will take so I made more than I thought was necessary just in case,” Cullen fiddled with them in his hands, “The one with the gold band on it is the one you need to give her to her tonight, it has a sedative in it as well". Cullen shook his head, "She will be significantly better tomorrow".

“Thank you,” Cullen smiled, Solas nodded and then the door opened behind him.

“Ser Cullen, Sister Leliana wanted you to have this,” Cullen took the letter and immediately opened it.

 _Cullen,_  
Josephine sent me a copy of the reports and I noticed that Ser had signed for Scáthach’s lyrium. While that’s normal for initiates it is not normal for him to have been signing the entire time. Ser went out with a guard patrol but will be back tonight. He’ll probably head straight to the tavern, as usual. I’d wait for him there, to confront him about it. If you want me to have people positioned in the tavern just in case, let my courier know. He will wait for your order.  
Leliana

Cullen thought for a moment before responding, “Have Leliana let me know when he gets in and station her spies in the tavern but tell her to only put them there for safety and to only intervene if I say so, understood,” he nodded, “Go”.

 

Cullen spent the rest of the day with Scáthach. She was only just starting withdrawal and so her side-effects were mostly winding down since she had her vial earlier. But he was frightened for what the implications meant. Someone got ahold of her lyrium. Someone knew she had probably never been taught to always check for the seal. Someone intended for this to happen, maybe even happen while he, specifically, was away.  And he was furious. He wanted whoever it was to suffer. He wanted them to know that if they hurt her that he would repay them in kind. He wanted them to know that _Lion of Skyhold_ was not just a jab at his helm.

“Cullen,” she spoke softly, “I’m tired,” they were sitting on the couch by the fire place and he had been festering in his anger for so long that he hadn’t noticed that it was dark now or that she had finished her broth.

“Ok, love,” he stood up and offered his hands to her. She took them and he led her to the bed. She looked so tired; her eyes had dark circles under them, her face lacked expression and she blinked exceptionally slow. As soon as they were close to the bed she crashed into the comforter and crawled up towards her pillow.

“Scáthach,” Cullen asked.

“Hmm?” She didn’t open her eyes.

“I need you to drink this before you fall asleep,” Cullen pulled the vial with the gold top out of his pocket.

She opened her eyes and sat up just a bit, “What is it” she took the vial from his hand.

“It’s so you don’t have pain or- or nightmares,” he couldn’t believe she was going to have to take this.

“Ok,” she took it and laid back down immediately.

“Goodnight, love,” he kissed her head and sat next to her to wait for Leliana’s spy.

 

He woke to a young woman lightly shaking him, “Commander Cullen?”

“What?” He was still groggy.

“Ser is nearly here,” she offered.

“Stall him. I want to make sure I’m already in the tavern,” he sprung up and the young woman took off quickly.

Cullen put his armor on and fastened his sword to his belt then made his way to the tavern. If Leliana agreed that his actions were suspicious, then he felt more justified for stalking the man. He sat in the back of the tavern, off to the side and in the dark. A young man came over and sat down a stack of papers and an ale in front of him, “He’ll sit at the end. He won’t notice you if you look busy, he’ll be here soon” and walked off. _Maker, Leliana’s spies were creepy._

Maybe 2 minutes have passed and, sure enough, he took the seat the spy pointed out. Initially nothing seemed amiss. They spoke of their trip and how glad they were to be back to Skyhold. Cullen was starting to think he was just a paranoid fool when, after a few hours, the man next to him made a mistake.

“So, how is she taking it?” Cullen’s attention was entirely on the conversation now.

“As well as most of my recruits, I suppose,” _Say her name, confirm it._

“Right, I was wondering if you were going to make an exception given the circumstances,” the other man responded.

“No,” Ser paused, “Just had to wait for the right time. I needed her to not expect it,” he took a drink.

“Well, what I’ve heard, she wasn’t expecting it at all. But aren’t you worried you’re putting everyone in danger? She is the Inquisitor,” Cullen didn’t need to hear anymore. He stood up and grabbed the other man’s head and slammed it on the table which caused Ser to jump out of his seat. The entire tavern seemed to have stopped moving, saved for whispers.

“What is wrong with you?” Ser was bewildered and, lucky for Cullen, exhausted.

 

“What did you do to her? To her lyrium?” Cullen clenched his jaw and he watched the realization that he had heard the entire conversation.

“I do it to all my recruits, Commander, she is no different,” Ser took a step to him.

“ _What_ ,” he spit, “exactly does _that_ entail?” Cullen was now speaking through his teeth.

“Every recruit should know what lyrium withdrawal feels like so they know how they will feel if it happens on the field,” Cullen took another step to the man.

“You _deliberately_ withheld her lyrium. You _deliberately_ sent her into withdrawal,” Cullen was now in his face, “You _know_ that some people can die from that. You have endangered not only her but the entire world for some misjudged sense of duty and I will not allow you to handle her lyrium any further, be gone by dawn or I will remove you from Skyhold myself”.

Ser looked shocked just for a moment before he responded and he made the mistake of bringing up certain subjects, “Just because you’re nailing the Inquisitor doesn’t make you in charge,” Cullen placed his hand on his weapon and Ser did the same but kept talking, “You do not speak for Scátha-” Cullen enraged when he heard him start to say her name.

“No! You do _not_ get to speak her name. You may as well have poisoned her and since she is ill because of _you_ , **_I_** will pass judgment in her stead. When I explain my reasoning for dismissing you she will agree,” he was all but snarling, “Of that I am certain”.

“Just because she willingly spreads her legs to you doesn’t mean you have the authority, if that was all it took to sway her, I would have,” Cullen didn’t let him finish.

Cullen had his sword out and was bringing it down when Ser had barely brought his up in time. All the spies were moving now, “No! I will do this myself!” and Cullen didn’t turn his head away fast enough. He felt the blade hit his nose and the pain shot up and in. Cullen staggered back in time to kick him in the chest. He stumbled back and tripped out of the tavern landing just past the threshold.

Cullen felt the magic around him pull to Ser and Cullen grabbed one of the Charger’s shields to place between him and Ser. The attack itself didn’t do much as Cullen was not a mage, but it could have staggered him if he wasn’t careful. Cullen wanted to make him hurt. Wanted to make him beg to kill him but he knew he shouldn’t. Knew he should just kick him out. Ser got up and slashed at Cullen who parried it. _Need to stay calm._   Ser went to go for Cullen’s side but was met with Cullen throwing up his shield. Cullen did not expect him to use his own shield to hit him. Ser grabbed the shield with his free hand and slammed it into his face, busting his lip.

“Commander?” he heard Bull, his voice uncertain.

“My fight,” Cullen answered sternly.

 

Cullen reached over the shield and used his sword’s pommel to hit the man’s unarmed head hard enough for him to let go of Cullen’s shield.  Cullen brought his center of gravity low to the ground and then slammed up with his shield knocking Ser off his feet. Ser rolled off what he could and got back on his feet.

“You coward, she trusted you!” Cullen shouted, “You waited until I was gone!”

“She needed to learn!” Ser spat back.

“Fuck that, you wanted to see if she could handle it! You wanted to see if she deserved the _title_ ,” Cullen spat, “She is not a goddamn experiment!”

“Oh, stop pretending _Lion_ , if you weren’t fucking her you wouldn’t have cared, every recruit goes through this,” Ser matched his tone.

“But they are aware,” Cullen was pacing around him trying to determine a weak angle, “You didn’t tell her. If she fell into hallucinations and hurt someone,” Cullen’s emotion’s betrayed him, “If she had hurt _herself_ , did you think of what could happen? This world could fall into darkness. The Breach could _swallow_ us whole and you want to test her reaction to withdraw?! You _disgust_ me,” Cullen found a weakness in the man’s stance and leapt for it but found his sword pinned between Ser’s shield and sword.

“ _I_ disgust you?” Ser pushed the weapon in such a way that Cullen took his own pommel to his face, surely blackening an eye, “ _You_ have been distracting her! Your choosen withdrawal last year took her from us for nearly three months! _Three_ months of the Inquisitor not training. _Three_ months of no appearances! Do you know what that did to moral? To political standings? Her love for _you,_ has made her weak! And now, you’re here,” he scoffed.

“You’re blaming _me?_ If it wasn’t for _me_ she would still be catatonic on the fucking floor. You put the woman _I_ love in danger willingly and you expect me to not react? To let you manipulate her?” Cullen stopped and lowered his weapon, afraid he would do something he would regret, “Get out. Leave now and I will not pursue. Enough damage has been done”. Cullen dropped his shield and turned his back to the man then started to make his way back to Scáthach when he heard Bull shout his name.

 

Cullen brought his sword up just in time to block what very well could have been the killing blow. The vibrations of the sword made Cullen’s shoulder feel like it was going to shatter. Cullen now fought back enraged. He should’ve stayed calm but he didn’t- he couldn't. _This man could’ve killed her. He could have made her lose her mind. He could have really hurt her. He could-_ Cullen felt his weapon get kicked out of his hand and he immediately tackled the man, not wanting to let him keep the upper hand. Once Cullen managed to get his knees on him he slammed the man’s hand on the ground till he dropped the weapon. Cullen reached behind him and pulled out his dagger, resting it against the man’s throat.

“Chain him!” Cullen shouted but the guards were not as fast as he would’ve liked and the man managed to flip him off. They scuffled on the ground, Cullen hit his head a few times making the world start to spin slightly before he caught the place to strike. But Ser noticed and reached for his dagger on the side. Cullen had to drop his dagger in order to catch the blow. Cullen twisted the man’s wrist and aimed it to the man’s chest and Cullen just… let his body weight do the work. _I will make you fucking **pay**._

He heard the crunching. He saw blood spill from his mouth, a shock upon the man’s eyes. _Good. Can’t hurt her if you’re dead._ So he pushed a little harder and twisted. Cullen has killed many men before but never for a woman he loved. This felt different. Both harder and easier. He left the man’s dagger in his chest and sat up on his legs.

“Cullen?” Bull asked, voice unsure, but offered his hand and Cullen just wiped the blood off his face with the back of his hand before he took Bull's extended hand and stood above Ser.

“Get this out of here,” Cullen stated and began making his way to Scáthach. He heard the spies moving the body and just as he reached the top of the steps, the sun was rising over Skyhold.

\--

“You killed him?” She looked down to Cullen’s hands.

“Yes. Does that bother you?” Cullen sighed, “Are you unhappy with me? With my decision?” He looked to her.

She thought to herself while she washed the blood from his hands, “No”.  She finally stated.

“ _Scáthach_ , I just killed a man and all you have to say is ‘No’? Cullen pulled his hands back.

“ _Cullen_ , you did what you thought was right. You gave him the chance to leave. Then you were going to have him arrested but he attacked you,” she was angry.

“Then why do I feel like I’m still on the battlefield?” He looked to her and watched her eyes dance about before answering.

“Because it was stupid,” She sat up.

“Stupid? He tried to _harm_ you” Cullen stood up after her.

“Yes, I know, but you wanted to punish him yourself” she said hotly.

“Of course I did! The man tried to kill you!” he was angry now.

“He did not, he tried to _test_ me,” Scáthach said.

“Are you _defending_ him?” Cullen couldn’t believe her.

“No, no, of course not,” She didn’t know how to divert the argument.

“Then what is it? Would you rather have me let you go through withdrawal? Would you rather let him hold your lyrium leash?”

“My lyrium leash? Cullen, listen to yourself,” her face was tense.

“I am! You were sick, Scáthach. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t risk you-“

“Being weak?” She didn’t mean to say it.

Cullen scoffed, “You’re not weak. That’s not what I meant and you know it. I just couldn’t let him get away with hurting you”.

“That was not your decision to make,” She folded her arms.

“I had no choice but to react,” he stood in front of her now.

“You did! You could have waited until I felt better! You could have had him arrested or let him believe you were none the wiser, but you had your ego to defend! You had to show everyone that you could protect me and that you would strike anyone down who hurts me. The _Lion_ of Skyhold” she was livid.

“My _ego_? This is not about my ego. But you’re right, I would strike anyone down who laid a finger on you. I would lay my life on the line for you, and if that makes me a _lion_ then so be it” Cullen placed his hands on her shoulders and she slipped out of his hands.

“You put yourself at risk! An unnecessary one! Cullen, did you think about what could have happened?” She looked at him with worry plainly across her face, “What if you missed a block? What if he had accomplices? Or body guards? Fuck, Cullen,” she stopped to inhale a ragged breath, “what if you were the one dead and not he?” She was crying now.

 _Shit._ Cullen pulled her to him and she cried into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Cullen kissed the top of her head, “I was stupid. I was so angry that I let it blind me,” he hugged her tighter.

“I love you, Cullen. I can’t do this without you,” she barely managed to speak.

“You could, though. You are strong and you don’t need me for that,” she began crying harder, “but I will be here for you. I am a selfish man, Scáthach, I would do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I love you far too much to ever let you do this alone”.

She looked up to him, eyes red and puffy, “I love you, Cullen. Maker only knows what I would do without you”.

Cullen smiled, “I love you too,” he kissed her, “And Maker knows the man I would be without you. But so long as I live, you never need doubt that I am yours”.   _Maker only knows if **I** could do this without **you.**_

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. Another one that took off in an entirely different direction that planned. C'est la vie, I guess. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> A/N: The title is a reference to the Beach Boy's song, God Only Knows.


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